


Puzzle Pieces

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Nonbinary Morality | Patton Sanders, Trans Logic | Logan Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sometimes, our puzzle pieces of identities aren’t what we thought they would be.—Written for the Fander Pride Meetup 2020.
Kudos: 23





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Slight internalized homophobia (not mentioned directly)
> 
> I thought this would be fun to write as I’ve never really gotten to discuss my identity. This is my story, slightly changed, and through the eyes of the side I relate to most.

From day one, she knew she wasn’t quite like the rest. Or, maybe not day one, but since she could remember. She never liked playing with the other girls or playing with dolls and dress-up. She preferred playing with the boys and playing games like tag or wrestling. Of course, not every girl fits societies stereotypes to begin with, so that isn’t what really determined anything. She had her puzzle laid out before her with all its pieces, and she was content.

When she was nearing the end of elementary school she cut her long hair short and dyed parts of it blue. The other parents thought her mother was wrong for letting her do it, but she and the other children thought it was cool. She never did grow her hair out again.

It was middle school that was really the game changer. She fell in love with a girl; a secret she hid from the world as long as she could. At the same time she began to feel wrong about who she was but couldn’t figure out how to tell that to someone. How do you explain to someone that who you are just doesn’t feel right? She watched as a couple pieces didn’t fit anymore.

So she didn’t. For years, she locked away her heart, kept under close watch. She continued to deny to her self she was anything but “normal.” She felt as if her puzzle she’d had since a child of who she was isn’t really the right pieces anymore. Even still, it was a many few years before she finally put the research into it, in the early years of high school. 

Bisexual was the first term she came across. Someone attracted to both men and women. For a while, this felt right. She was okay with being bisexual. She was okay with who she was. Except she wasn’t; it still didn’t feel right, so she kept it secret.

Non-binary, the second term she found. The idea of not identifying as one gender or the other. She didn’t understand at first, not really. It was all so new after all. Once she finally did understand, she knew she didn’t identify with it, but in a way it threw bisexuality out the window. 

Then she found the term Pansexual. That was the first term she came across that felt right. The idea of being attracted to people regardless of gender identity felt right. She knew that she could date someone despite whatever they identified as, and thus, found her first true piece of the puzzle. 

It was much longer before she found the next piece. She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, she wasn’t a cis-female. But, she didn’t want to change her gender identity. Its not that it felt right, but more so she didn’t want to deal with the social aspect of it all. So she put it off. 

Then she was called “he.”

It wasn’t intentional, or well, in a way it was. It wasn’t anything special, it was just in a grocery store. And older gentleman was looking to get by and simply said “Excuse me, sir.” She moved before her or her mother could even react and he was gone before either said anything. Her mother explained that mistakes happen but, she wasn’t really listening. It hadn’t bothered her in the slightest. That was when she knew she couldn’t fake it anymore- and went back to research.

She went back to Non-binary at first but found it still didn’t fit. Not really. She didn’t identify at all with being a girl anymore and she still was a bit confused. So she looked a little more.

Transgender. She found the word, saw its definition, and felt like she’d found the biggest piece of the puzzle. Not identifying with the sex defined at birth. It didn’t take long to find about people who were male-to-female and female-to-male. Further rabbit holes led to information about reassignment surgeries and hormones. When she found a website to test pronouns with, that was the final straw. She had found where she fit; transgender, specifically female to male. She knew what she wanted her new name to be too; Logan. A named borrowed from her grandfather.

Thus, from there on out, She knew she was really a He.


	2. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Implied Homophobia/Transphobia, Unaccepting Mother (brief)
> 
> This is where things differ from my own personal timeline for story sake, and also mine was all over the place. Pardon the line breaks, it was to separate scenes, the squiggles separate texts.

Everybody thinks of “coming out” as a one and done thing, at least at first. The problem is, that isn’t the case. You never really stop coming out to people; its done in intervals.

Logan waited a short while before deciding he wanted to come out to somebody. Not necessarily because he wasn’t sure of himself, but he was afraid of being called a copycat. Shortly after he’d found a few pieces to his puzzle, one of his closest friends came out publicly. They came out as non-binary, telling anyone and everyone they’d like people to use they/them pronouns. Of course, some people didn’t- not everybody is nice. Logan though, was more than happy to oblige.

With that event though, Logan held off on telling anyone. He didn’t want Patton to think he was stealing their “thing” nor did he want other students to accuse him of copying.

So, a couple of months passed, and he stayed quiet. It hurt, he wouldn’t deny it, but he also couldn’t deny he was afraid. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore; he needed someone to use his name.

It was at lunch on a Thursday, Logan, Patton, and Roman were sitting out in the courtyard with their respective lunches. The rest of their friend group - Virgil, Janus, and Remus - was absent that day. Remus was home sick while Virgil and Janus had gone to help one of the science teachers with a project.

The three weren’t talking about anything important and Logan hadn’t even planned it out. He waited for a lapse in conversation before he coughed to clear his throat quietly.

“I...have something I need to tell you both.” Logans voice came out uncertainly and he internally cursed himself for sounding so unsure.

Roman and Patton both eyed him with intense levels of concern.

“Logan, are you alright?” Patton asked hesitantly; Logan could only assume they thought he was going to say he was moving or similar.

“I second that question. Is there something ailing you I need vanquish?” Roman held up a fist to show his point. The theatre kid was shining through with his dramatics.

Logan froze, something unlike his usually composed self before blurting “I’m trans!”

He opened his eyes to see Romans expression of shock and Pattons of adoration, so he added quietly, “...and I’m Pan.”

Patton had about a two second delay before they launched themselves at Logan for a hug, “I’m so glad you told us! What pronouns do you want us to use? Oh and what name do you like? Do you have one picked out yet?! If not we-“

“Patton you’re suffocating me-“ Logan laughed, patting their back gently.

“Oh! Sorry!” They quickly sat back down, a small blush lining their cheeks.

“I am also glad you felt you could tell us,” Roman now had a small smile gracing his face, “As for the questions they fired at you, you don’t need to answer them right away if you aren’t sure.”

“Well,” now it was his turn to smile, “I’d like you to use He/Him pronouns. As for my name I...I like Logan. A lot actually.”

“Oh! Like grandpa Croft!” Patton exclaimed

Logan laughed gently, “Yes, I borrowed it from him.”

“Well, I think Logan is a great name.” Roman offered a short hug which Logan accepted

“I do too! It suits you.” 

Logan gave on of his rare grins, he couldn’t have been happier in that moment.

—————————————————————————————————

With Roman and Pattons suggestion, he came out to Virgil, Remus, and Janus in a group chat with all 6 of them. This would allow him to share all his words in one go without being cut off, something all 6 of them can be guilty of doing at times.

He typed a short text, something straight to the point:

“I have something I’d like to tell you all; I’m trans. I’d like you to use He/Him pronouns and refer to me as Logan, please. I’m also Pansexual, although I don’t believe that changes much.”

He sent it before going to get dinner. He was still a bit uneasy about coming out, but Patton and Roman assured him they would be there should anything go wrong.

When Logan checked his phone notifications after dinner, he smiled in relief.

—————————————————————————————————

Remus: What?? How come you didn’t tell us sooner!?!

Remus: I was...thoroughly informed by my brother that was rude of me. I’m sorry. I’m glad you trust us enough.

~

Janus: I am so glad you trusted us enough with this information. I’ll do my best to use the correct name and pronouns; please feel free to correct me if I make a mistake.

~

Virgil: Hey so, I’m sure you’ve done your research but, here’s a couple links you might find useful. Oh and, there’s a GSA meeting next week. Someone there might relate. If...if you want to that is.

~

The only text that confused Logan at all was Virgil’s. He wasn’t sure why he would have that information just, on hand, but he did appreciate it. The TrevorSpace was something he thought he’d heard of briefly but didn’t look into much. Now the idea of connecting with others like him made him feel a bit better.

—————————————————————————————————

Coming out to his mother didn’t go as planned. She’d looked at him and simply said “I don’t see it.” She continued to go on, adding, “You can be a girl and dress masculine.”

At some point he stopped listening.

His friends were there to support him though, reassuring him that he was valid and it would all work out. He was grateful he came out to them first; they were his small support group.

—————————————————————————————————

You never stop coming out. He’d now come out three separate times and only told 7 people. But that’s okay; it happens in intervals. Logan had his puzzle, albeit incomplete and mismatched, but that was okay.

Now if only he knew why things still felt a bit wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Ill tell you a bit about my personal story. I never officially came out to friends, I didn't have to because I presented masculine and "joked" about wanting to be a boy, I guess they got the hint. I just told them my chosen name one day and they said okay. My situation with my mother is exactly as written though not detailed for those who I may make uncomfortable. She is more accepting now though; her motto is live how you want to live. 
> 
> Feel free to correct any errors, I wrote and uploaded this at 5am while fighting insomnia.


End file.
